I recently had a breakthrough.
It was the middle of the night, and I was struggling with sleep and the nature of God. Lately I have realized that I expect everything to balance out in my life…for every blessing, I anticipate a comparable curse; with each good day, I brace myself for a bad one. Though I know it’s a lie, it is lodged in my brain somewhere, mixed in with truth, totally illogical yet fully believable: God must temper every good thing in my life. Every blessing carries a cost.
If this were true, He must not be a very good God. If His mission is to keep me from experiencing too much joy, too much delight, too much peace, no wonder I feel so afraid. No wonder I hesitate to spend time with Him or allow Him much control over my life. No wonder I don’t trust Him. No wonder I’m not eager to tell my friends about Him.
I’m almost embarrassed that I struggle with this. I’ve been a follower of Christ for many years now, and I’m somehow surprised that I’m not yet perfect, that I don’t yet understand everything.
So I take all this shame, fear, frustration, and I put it all on the table.
What now, God?
…
Why do I feel like the scales of good and evil must always balance out in my life?
…
And then I heard Him:
No matter what happens in your life, the scales are always tipped completely and fully to the side of good. Because you have Me, no good or bad thing can add to or subtract from the fact that you are blessed beyond belief.
I didn’t suddenly achieve perfection. I didn’t come to complete understanding. I did feel freer and more whole.
And I did fall asleep.
